Film Students Suck Cock
August 20th, 1999 | View Post

After becoming increasingly disillusioned with what it means to be a film student at the University of Texas, I sat down and wrote this script. I have unfortunately not filmed it.

Script

GUY
Where are we?

GUY2
Well to be honest with you, we're just in a patch of woods somewhere in Texas. But you'd probably be better off telling your audience that we’re in some remote county in Maryland. Just for a thrill.

GUY NODS WITH A SMILE.

GUY
What are we doing here?

GUY2 LOOKS AT HIS WATCH. HE PUSHES GUY OUT OF THE WAY. A MOMENT LATER A RIFLE DROPS FROM THE SKY ONTO THE GROUND.

GUY2
Right on time.

GUY GETS BUG-EYED

GUY
I don’t know about this. I think they told us specifically NOT to use any guns.

GUY2
Yes - they did - didn't they? Hmmmm. Well maybe you should mention to those dumb fucks that filming your dick in a bed of flowers just doesn't sell these days - guns do. And when you're a famous filmmaker, you can stick the lens up your ass and pull out some artsy shit - until then - stand over there.

GUY2 PICKS UP THE GUN. GUYS WALKS OVER NEXT TO A TREE. GUY2 TOSSES HIM A GLASS BEER BOTTLE.

GUY2
Put in on your head.

GUY PLACES THE BOTTLE ON HIS HEAD. AND SMILES.

GUY
You sure this is a good idea?

GUY2
Trust me.

GUY2 SHOOTS THE BOTTLE. IT SHATTERS. GUY TAKES A FAKE SIGH OF RELIEF.

THE TWO GUYS ARE WALKING DOWN A ROAD.

GUY2
So ya see guy, people that study film are really nothing but a bunch of pretentious losers that think they can do what ever the fuck they want, whenever they fuck they want to. (beat) Watching a bunch of popular movies, making As on tests, and suckin on teachers cock won't make you any better at filmmaking – ya just have to love doing it – over and over and over.

THE TWO OF THEM WALK IN FRONT OF A CAR THAT IS SPEEDING DOWN THE ROAD. THEY FADE OUT A BIT AND THE CAR DRIVES RIGHT THROUGH THEM.

GUY
It's still amazing that we can do shit like this.

GUY2
Yea – tell me about it.

IN THE BACKGROUND A PERSON WALKS INTO THE STREET WHILE A SPEEDING CAR COMES DOWN THE ROAD HONKING IT’S HORN. THE TWO GUYS TURN BACK TO LOOK. THE PERSON GETS HIT BY THE CAR AND SPRAWLS OUT ON THE ROAD. THE GUYS SHAKE THEIR HEADS.

GUY2
What a fucking moron.

GUY
Film student?

GUY2
You're a quick learner guy.

THE SCENE FADES.

THE END

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