NYU Monologues #1
July 8th, 1999 | Back to Blog Listing

Comedy Writing Workshop
D.B. Gilles
Monologues

(1) After being sentenced to life in prison as a conspirator in the Oklahoma City bombing, Terry Nichols has apparently asked for a new trial. He told a judge that the explosion he was part of couldn’t have been nearly as bad as the ones he feels every night while being slapped in the ass and called “Little Bitch”.

(2) Reporters are now saying that Hillary Clinton is only running for the New York senate to get back at her husband. Rumors started flying after she was caught under a podium during one of Mayor Giuliani’s speeches bobbing her head like a circus seal

(3) President Clinton recently took the American Bald Eagle off of the endangered species list. To commemorate the event, the president had himself tarred and feathered and proceeded to run around the White House only periodically stopping to wave his bald ass in the air.

(4) The creators of South Park might see a lawsuit coming their way soon in regards to Kenny’s character. Psychological studies say that children are now finding it humorous when their friends that can’t speak a damn word of English are brutally torn to pieces and left for dead.

(5) Yesterday Mayor Giuliani issued a brief statement to New York in regards to the power outages. He said, “I will have anyone complaining about the shortage arrested, anyone trying to do something about the shortage shot, and I will personally sodomize anyone else trying to stop me from doing this.”

(6) The government is asking that a mercury compound used as a preservative in certain infant vaccines to be removed from the formula. They furthermore stated that the infants are already receiving plenty of the chemical when mercury thermometers are inserted into their tiny asses.

(7) Richard Gere has just announced that he will be having a baby with his new girlfriend Carey Lowell. He settled for impregnating Carey after several failed attempts to run into Julia Roberts on a street corner and pay her for sex.