NYU Monologues #2
July 13th, 1999 | Back to Blog Listing

Will Smith has once again teamed up with director Barry Sonnenfeld to create a biographical movie of the world’s greatest boxer, Muhammad Ali. Smith will be getting paid 20 million dollars making him the highest paid black actor of all time for a single movie. And why shouldn’t he be paid that much considering his good looks, incredible taste in music, and a 130-pound figure which certainly resembles that of a heavyweight boxer.

In a recent lawsuit, the United States is suing The Toyota company for an amazing $58.5 billion dollars. It seems that the United States no longer wants to be laughed at for producing poor quality products while a competitive country sweeps the market year after year. And of course in good ole American fashion, why work harder and try to beat your competitor when you can just sue their ass.

In a related story, Russia is warning officials that the Space Station mir could crash into the Earth if repairs are not made on it soon. Unfortunately, the Russians have no one to sue because the space station was built from their own parts – which coincidentally are amongst the worst parts in the world just behind those of Taiwan and China.

The United States plans to also sue Russia, simply for their incompetence.

The tobacco industry is trying to get back at the anti-smoking campaign which has setup hundreds of billboards around the U.S. urging kids not to smoke. They will be putting up billboards that tell kids: “If you don’t start smoking now, you will be laughed at, become extremely obese, and certainly never become the popular young lad that you’d like to be”.

To waste more of out money, the United States will also be suing the tobacco industry once again for their “Negative, but very truthful” billboard signs.

And finally, after six years of work, an extremely rare plant named the “corpse flower” has recently bloomed at the University of Washington greenhouse. It’s scientific name, Amorphophallus titanum, which means, “huge shapeless penis” has shocked the nation, simply because it looks like a huge shapeless penis. If all goes as planned, the Chia Pet Company will be selling a new model with seedlings to the rare plant. The Chia Company plans to market their new model to all women who’s husbands can not afford Viagra or just have too small of a dick to please them.