NYU - SNL Script #1
July 1st, 1999 | Back to Blog Listing

Comedy Writing Workshop
D.B. Gilles

INT. HOSPITAL LOOKING ROOM – DAY

A man named JIM dressed in a nice looking sweater is sitting with his legs crossed on the hospital bed. His hair is neatly combed as he sits there a moment waiting for his cue. There is no one else around. He looks up. Soft classical music is playing in the background.

JIM
(Phil Hartman like voice)
Today’s world can be rough on children. With so many bad things that they can get into, discipline these days is a must. Of course, with so many new child abuse laws around these days – maybe it’s time to lay off of the belts and call your friends at BEAT. Don’t let the acronym fool you, it doesn’t mean a damn thing at all, (whispers) in fact it’s just so that we can be recognized as an official agency. You can simply refer to us as the company that “Beat’s the hell out of your kids for you”.

The man stands up and walks in front of the bed still facing us. DR. JACK KEVORKIAN comes into the room and shakes hands with Jim. He faces us and begins to speak.

JACK KEVORKIAN
Hi, my name is Jack Kevorkian. You may have heard my name used in conjunction with, oh I don’t know, Charles Manson, or perhaps even Satan, but that’s not really important – is it? We work for a side of the government that was actually outlawed 35 years ago, but I’ll be damned if we’re going to listen to what the courts say.

Hey Jim, let’s say we take a brief look at what our customers can expect out of our three step program.

JIM
I thought you’d never ask.

The classical music fades out.

INT. MUSKY PRISON LOOKING ROOM

The two of them open a large steel door and walk into another room that is dark and dingy with water dripping from the ceiling. There are leather whips, chains, and paddles all around. A table carved from stone is in the middle of the room with restraints on every corner. Jim grabs the doctor’s ass.

JACK KEVORKIAN
(whispers)
Wrong program Jim.

JIM
Of course it is. Now where were we?

JACK KEVORKIAN
As you can see, right from the start the child is petrified simply by the sight of this hideous room. It’s so frightening in fact, that every now and then the child will pass out before the therapy can begin.

JIM
But not to worry doctor, we have the finest line of smelling salts to ensure a quality visit.

The door to the room flings open, two large men are carrying in a small boy, BILLIE, that is kicking and squirming to break free from their grip.

JIM
Oh isn’t this a treat. We’ve got a patient this very moment. How-about-that?

JACK KEVORKIAN
Very nice my friend

JIM
Step one is to grab the little ones chart to see just what he’s in for.

JACK KEVORKIAN
You got it Jim.

Jack takes the slate from one of the guards who is busy tying down the boy to the table. He turns back to speak with Jim.

JACK KEVORKIAN
Well this is very interesting.

BILLIE
(in a loud and shaky voice)
I’m going to sue the hell out of you someday

Billie begins to cry. Jim walks over to Billie and gently pets his head.

JIM
(laughing a bit)
Silly Billy. Government agencies get sued all of the time. We just use the taxpayers money down to the last penny to defend ourselves. But you can think about that while your being cured.

The guards finish strapping Billie down to the table on his stomach. Jim gestures to the guard to shut Billy up. The guard reaches into his pocket and pulls out a gag ball. He precedes to place it in Billie’s mouth.

JIM
We got a little ahead of ourselves on this one, but the gag ball is just part of step two. You can also choose to have nature sounds playing for your child at this time. We find that the sounds of the whales work the best. Their calls tend to sound just like any screaming that may occur.

JACK KEVORKIAN
Like I was saying – it says right here that Billie is a fatherless child, who is hard of hearing, blind in the left eye, and occasionally experiences muscle related spasms in his legs.

The guards exit the room and the door slams. Billie is still crying.

JIM
Wow, it looks like we’ve got a winner here! You poor little bastard. (pauses) And I really mean that. Lets find out why he’s in here, shall we Jack?

JACK KEVORKIAN
Sure thing Jim.

Jack Kevorkian flips the page over on the chart and periodically nods his head.

JACK KEVORKIAN
Well, it appears that Little Billie has refused to sit still when his reading tutor comes over on to the house.

JIM
Oh, now Billie...

JACK KEVORKIAN
His mother has also left us a note saying that she finds it more beneficial for her to spend money on his tutor then surgically correcting Billie’s vision.

JIM
What a mom!

JACK KEVORIKAN
She adds, “I want him to learn how important it is to read, but teachers do not want to teach a child that is always jumping out of his seat”.

JIM
Very understandable indeed. Most teachers don’t even want to teach. Well Billie, it looks like your about to get the “My ass is gonna be sore as hell” treatment.

Billie starts squirming in his restraints with failed attempts to scream through the gag. Jim walks back over to Billie and places a hand on his shoulder.

JIM
Don’t worry about a thing Billie – your with a professional doctor now.
(he begins to laugh a bit)
In fact, with any luck, your tailbone will probably crack in three different places before round two even begins. You’ll be (slowly) just-fine.

Jack Kevorkian pulls some surgical gloves out of his pocket and snaps them onto his hands. He walks over to the wall and grabs a large wooden paddle off of its hanger. Billy begins to attempt screaming some more.

JIM
Happy thoughts Billie, happy thoughts.

Jim walks out of the cell room and back into the white hospital looking room. He slams the steel door behind him and locks it. He walks over to the white bed in the center of the room and leans against it.

INT. HOSPITAL LOOKING ROOM – DAY

JIM
Unfortunately due to our friends over at the FCC, child therapy of this nature is not allowed to be aired on national television – sorry. You might try searching the web for similar video clips from out office in Pakistan – but I didn’t tell you that.

We can hear a smack followed by a muffled scream every so often. Jim puts a smile on his face.

JIM
Oh my... It sounds like step three just began. As you can probably tell, our program is not only effective, it’s therapeutic. I guarantee that once your child is admitted to our clinic, he’ll never come back, in fact he might not ever go home again. Either way – you come out a winner.

Jim stops talking and a large smile appears on his face.

END.
7.1.1999