You should've seen my last intern I had on all fours, he was fatter then your skanky ass.
No Bill, it's not big, in fact it's probably the smallest thing I've ever gotten on my knees for.
How many times do I have to tell you Bill, no one's gonna find out.
No Monica, you don't taste like tobacco now.
It's a lot of working running the country, everyone president should have an intern with soft thick lips, an incredibly wet mouth, and a taste for semen.
Do you think we can still smoke it?
I really don't like referring to it as Little Billy the Kid.
Monica, I'd love to break your damn legs clear off your body just so I could stand next to you all day long in your wheelchair.
Would it turn you on if I dressed up like Papa Smurf?
Bill for the last time, I will not let you ride me like a wild Arkansas pig.
|
Comedy Writing Workshop
D.B. Gilles
"The Tale of a Lonely Preacher"
FADE IN:
BLACK SCREEN:
ANNOUNCER
There’s a man out there that devoted his entire life to God. Even during his youth, he didn’t participate in all of the things that his friends did. He missed the late night drinking parties. He missed smoking anything that could possibly be rolled in paper. And he even missed all of the trips to the “Stay Hard Big Boy” strip club.
He certainly was a devoted man.
Unfortunately this loveable preacher, Father JACK WHACKER, was recently stripped of his robe after performing a sermon on tweaking females nipples with ice cold holy water.
As he was sitting at home a few days later drinking what was left of the communion wine, he realized how miserable his life was. In 47 years, he had never once been with a woman.
INT. JACK WHACKERS APARTMENT – DAY
JACK WHACKER
God, what ever should I do to relieve this burning desire?
GOD
Ussssssse Yourrrrrrrr Handddddddd.
Confused, Jack picks up the remote to his television and turns it on. The news is on.
JACK WHACKER
I don’t understand how the news will help me.
GOD
Beattttttt Ittttttttt.
JACK WHACKER
(somewhat annoyed)
Beat what God?
GOD
God dammit Jack, just turn the damn television to channel 74.
Jack changes the channel. The Spice channel comes on. Jack is stunned at such filth.
JACK WHACKER
But God - - this is.....
Jack sits patiently in his chair. An porno infomercial flickers onto the screen.
GOD
Learnnnnnnnn from itttttttttttttt.
CUT TO:
TELEVISION SCREEN
TV BOB
Have you recently been kicked out of your church for a high level of sexual tension? Well sir, we’ve got just the thing for you.
JACK WHACKER
What can you possible have for me?
TV BOB
Well for beginners, we offer the “do it yourself” lesson. You could probably figure this out your own bedroom, but we’d love to have your dumb ass pay us for a lesson.
CUT TO:
JACK WHACKERS FACE
JACK WHACKER
I don’t understand this show one bit.
CUT TO:
TELEVISION SCREEN
TV BOB
Of course, say you’re at an intermediate level. In such a case I would recommend the “pop it in the ass” kit.
We’ll ship you the finest single hole mechanical bull straight from Texas. No instructions necessary. You just mount up behind it, give it a good kick in the ass, and let it do all of the work for you.
JACK WHACKER
I’ve always wanted to ride a bull.
TV BOB
Finally for our most advanced sex machines out there, we now offer the “Baah Baah Bucking Sheep”. This is for all of you guys out there that really want a ride on the wild edge. Complete with three holes and real sheep’s fur for all of your sexual needs. Order now and we’ll throw in a free “Sheep Sounds” cassette tape.
CUT TO:
JACK WHACKERS FACE
JACK WHACKER
(somewhat excited)
If God brought me to this channel, then gosh darnit, this channel will bring me closer to God. I’m sold. I’ll bet I’ll be rewarded with the fruits of heaven when I order something from TV Bob. I might even get to be a preacher again.
Jack Whacker picks up the phone and dials the number for TV Bob.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN.
EXT. JACK WHACKERS FRONT PORCH – DAY
CAPTION: Three Weeks Later
A large wooden crate is dropped off on the front porch. The delivery man rings the doorbell and walks away.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN.
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN A CEMETARY – DAY
CAPTION: The Next Day
ANNOUNCER
Jack Whacker died earlier this while engaging in sexual intercourse with an inflatable sheep. The doctors have confirmed that 17 different veins popped in the abdominal and penile area while Jack was coming to a climax with the sheep. An explosion equivalent to a half stick of dynamite was reported to have killed the helpless inflatable doll. There are rumors that 3 rubber chickens were also injured in the explosion.
Although it might sound like a good idea to let yourself tense up for 47 years, please learn from the late Jack Whacker and masturbate once and awhile if not daily. And for god sakes, be gentle on the sheep.
FADE OUT
END
7.6.1999
|
Comedy Writing Workshop
D.B. Gilles
INT. HOSPITAL LOOKING ROOM – DAY
A man named JIM dressed in a nice looking sweater is sitting with his legs crossed on the hospital bed. His hair is neatly combed as he sits there a moment waiting for his cue. There is no one else around. He looks up. Soft classical music is playing in the background.
JIM
(Phil Hartman like voice)
Today’s world can be rough on children. With so many bad things that they can get into, discipline these days is a must. Of course, with so many new child abuse laws around these days – maybe it’s time to lay off of the belts and call your friends at BEAT. Don’t let the acronym fool you, it doesn’t mean a damn thing at all, (whispers) in fact it’s just so that we can be recognized as an official agency. You can simply refer to us as the company that “Beat’s the hell out of your kids for you”.
The man stands up and walks in front of the bed still facing us. DR. JACK KEVORKIAN comes into the room and shakes hands with Jim. He faces us and begins to speak.
JACK KEVORKIAN
Hi, my name is Jack Kevorkian. You may have heard my name used in conjunction with, oh I don’t know, Charles Manson, or perhaps even Satan, but that’s not really important – is it? We work for a side of the government that was actually outlawed 35 years ago, but I’ll be damned if we’re going to listen to what the courts say.
Hey Jim, let’s say we take a brief look at what our customers can expect out of our three step program.
JIM
I thought you’d never ask.
The classical music fades out.
INT. MUSKY PRISON LOOKING ROOM
The two of them open a large steel door and walk into another room that is dark and dingy with water dripping from the ceiling. There are leather whips, chains, and paddles all around. A table carved from stone is in the middle of the room with restraints on every corner. Jim grabs the doctor’s ass.
JACK KEVORKIAN
(whispers)
Wrong program Jim.
JIM
Of course it is. Now where were we?
JACK KEVORKIAN
As you can see, right from the start the child is petrified simply by the sight of this hideous room. It’s so frightening in fact, that every now and then the child will pass out before the therapy can begin.
JIM
But not to worry doctor, we have the finest line of smelling salts to ensure a quality visit.
The door to the room flings open, two large men are carrying in a small boy, BILLIE, that is kicking and squirming to break free from their grip.
JIM
Oh isn’t this a treat. We’ve got a patient this very moment. How-about-that?
JACK KEVORKIAN
Very nice my friend
JIM
Step one is to grab the little ones chart to see just what he’s in for.
JACK KEVORKIAN
You got it Jim.
Jack takes the slate from one of the guards who is busy tying down the boy to the table. He turns back to speak with Jim.
JACK KEVORKIAN
Well this is very interesting.
BILLIE
(in a loud and shaky voice)
I’m going to sue the hell out of you someday
Billie begins to cry. Jim walks over to Billie and gently pets his head.
JIM
(laughing a bit)
Silly Billy. Government agencies get sued all of the time. We just use the taxpayers money down to the last penny to defend ourselves. But you can think about that while your being cured.
The guards finish strapping Billie down to the table on his stomach. Jim gestures to the guard to shut Billy up. The guard reaches into his pocket and pulls out a gag ball. He precedes to place it in Billie’s mouth.
JIM
We got a little ahead of ourselves on this one, but the gag ball is just part of step two. You can also choose to have nature sounds playing for your child at this time. We find that the sounds of the whales work the best. Their calls tend to sound just like any screaming that may occur.
JACK KEVORKIAN
Like I was saying – it says right here that Billie is a fatherless child, who is hard of hearing, blind in the left eye, and occasionally experiences muscle related spasms in his legs.
The guards exit the room and the door slams. Billie is still crying.
JIM
Wow, it looks like we’ve got a winner here! You poor little bastard. (pauses) And I really mean that. Lets find out why he’s in here, shall we Jack?
JACK KEVORKIAN
Sure thing Jim.
Jack Kevorkian flips the page over on the chart and periodically nods his head.
JACK KEVORKIAN
Well, it appears that Little Billie has refused to sit still when his reading tutor comes over on to the house.
JIM
Oh, now Billie...
JACK KEVORKIAN
His mother has also left us a note saying that she finds it more beneficial for her to spend money on his tutor then surgically correcting Billie’s vision.
JIM
What a mom!
JACK KEVORIKAN
She adds, “I want him to learn how important it is to read, but teachers do not want to teach a child that is always jumping out of his seat”.
JIM
Very understandable indeed. Most teachers don’t even want to teach. Well Billie, it looks like your about to get the “My ass is gonna be sore as hell” treatment.
Billie starts squirming in his restraints with failed attempts to scream through the gag. Jim walks back over to Billie and places a hand on his shoulder.
JIM
Don’t worry about a thing Billie – your with a professional doctor now.
(he begins to laugh a bit)
In fact, with any luck, your tailbone will probably crack in three different places before round two even begins. You’ll be (slowly) just-fine.
Jack Kevorkian pulls some surgical gloves out of his pocket and snaps them onto his hands. He walks over to the wall and grabs a large wooden paddle off of its hanger. Billy begins to attempt screaming some more.
JIM
Happy thoughts Billie, happy thoughts.
Jim walks out of the cell room and back into the white hospital looking room. He slams the steel door behind him and locks it. He walks over to the white bed in the center of the room and leans against it.
INT. HOSPITAL LOOKING ROOM – DAY
JIM
Unfortunately due to our friends over at the FCC, child therapy of this nature is not allowed to be aired on national television – sorry. You might try searching the web for similar video clips from out office in Pakistan – but I didn’t tell you that.
We can hear a smack followed by a muffled scream every so often. Jim puts a smile on his face.
JIM
Oh my... It sounds like step three just began. As you can probably tell, our program is not only effective, it’s therapeutic. I guarantee that once your child is admitted to our clinic, he’ll never come back, in fact he might not ever go home again. Either way – you come out a winner.
Jim stops talking and a large smile appears on his face.
END.
7.1.1999
|
 Ginger Spice signing autographs for her fans in Manhattan
Naturally I had my video camera strapped to one arm, my Minolta 35mm strapped to the other, and a backpack of film and tapes strapped to my back. It sounds like I'm kidding, but I most certainly am not. I wound up shooting a few 35mm pics of her but decided that I would also film some of the event. Here are some of the stills from the Sony Digital 8mm tape that I shot. ...and yes, I am most certainly ashamed of myself for the celebrity hunt, especially in the case of a damn Spice Girl.
|
20. The only administered drugs are those found on New York street corners
19. Microwaves installed in every room and strongly encouraged to be used by patients with pacemakers
18. Viagra dispensers conveniently located in the stalls next to the condom machines
17. Residents pick on each other by secretly exchanging oxygen tanks with laughing gas
16. Fountain of Youth bottled water (sold in bodegas as Kranked2O) is sold in vending machines for 10 bucks a pop
15. A young looking Ponce de Leon can be seen wondering the halls to promote sales and/or confuse the residents
14. Bath time is synonymous with "erotic massage therapy"
13. The home is often used by psychology majors studying what it takes to scare someone into a heart attack
12. Residents are free to frolic around in hospital gowns
11. Elders wetting their beds are brought on stage and publicly humiliated the next day
10. Upon arrival, residents are thrown into a dark cell for one week to remind them that their life is now over
9. A tackle football game is held monthly between the larger staff members and residents with improperly working limbs
8. Nurses tell stories about former residents being eaten alive by enormous hideous rats
7. The supervisors 3 hour break always starts with a friendly game of hide and seek; the residents hide
6. Residents are forced to watch the end of Cocoon daily to instill hope
5. Sensitive dog collars are used in conjunction with high voltage underground electric fences to prevent any resident from straying into the dangerous world
4. Supervisors encourage the elders to beat on small helpless children in order to feel better about themselves
3. Wheelchair patients can participate in a Ben-Hur like race every Sunday; whips are optional
2. Residents enjoy craft time by hand carving their own tombstones
1. Signs that normally read "Walk, don't run" are replaced with "Get out of your chair and see what happens you crippled old bastard"
|
KEVIN LUDLOW
RTF 317 RESPONSE PAPER
"POSTMODERNISM – A STRANGE BREW OF REALITY"
FRAN GUILFOYLE
MAY 7, 1999
As we have gotten closer and closer to the twenty-first century, the lifestyles of Americans and other cultures for that matter have changed drastically. Television has changed drastically as well. It has changed to not only fit the times, but also to make fun of them. Lifestyles that we see in average American households are displayed in realistic but sometimes over exaggerated senses. This is especially evident in "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" and the ever so popular primetime show, "The Simpsons".
In 1986, Paul Reubens was transformed from being a relatively smalltime actor, into a character that children would learn to love, Pee-Wee. Although this was not the first time that Pee-Wee was around, it was the first time he appeared on network television. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure had been produced and released the previous year, but now a show was in the Saturday morning lineup. Each week, millions of kids would sit in front of the screen laughing at his goofy suit, magical bike, and infamous word of the day. But there was certainly more to the show then comedy. Pee-Wee’s show was made up of radical sets, make believe worlds, talking animals, even talking furniture. It was categorically described as an educational children’s comedy. Less the comedy, I suppose one could almost compare it to Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. All of the elements were the same. Of course, anyone’s who has ever watched both of those shows would say quite the opposite. Characteristically, Pee-Wee reflected the life of the eighties teenager and young adult. Hairstyles were very eccentric and strangely colored, a modern house look was always in effect as mentioned previously, and women were not shown to be housewives, but rather important figures in the world. Although all of these things may seem like nothing, they were quite a change for the time. Single hosted shows before this time were nothing like that of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. Many times the host would be and older man, talking calmly and enunciating his words, simply trying to get a message across. If the host wanted a guest on his show, it would be another person similar to the host explaining their message in the same sense. I resort back to Mr. Roger. Children were often taken on trips to the post office or the bank. They would see a postal employee named Mr. Smith or a bank clerk named Mrs. Morris doing their job, and learn what they did. The farthest stretch that the show had was “Never-Never Land”, which was made up of humans and talking puppets. Paul Reuben was far from anything like this. His “Never-Never Land” was the entire show. The set was not made up of nice furniture and fishbowls, but rather of magic windows and furniture that talked to the audience. Even the character names were made up. There was Conky, Knucklehead, Captain Carl, and of course, Pee-Wee. The entire show was a display of the post-modernism cinema and television style that had emerged. People of the era were tired of being “normal” and individualism was a key. Children, teens, and even young adults wanted to be different then the "regular guy". This could be seen through the way that people dressed and did their hair to the way that they built their homes. No more slacks and tucked in collared shirts. People wanted to dress in ripped jeans and wear Jean jackets covered in patches. They did not want their hair to be blonde or brown with the standard cut but rather for it to be purple or pink with spikes or even a Mohawk. “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” catered to this style of life, and it certainly became popular because of it.
As the eighties ended and the nineties began, lifestyles began changing yet again and a new display of postmodernism shows would begin. Within that realm of shows would emerge one of the most popular animated series of all times, “The Simpsons”. “The Simpsons” did not necessarily look at individuals differently, but rather at the family. To understand how this works, we must look at each family member separately. We begin with the children. As we have seen in shows in the past, children were generally well behaved, polite, and listened to their parents. Take for example “Leave it to Beaver”. Wally and the Beaver were always civil to one another, they were courteous to their parents, and when they wronged their parents, the apologized and “learned” how not to make the same mistake again. “The Simpsons” is much different from this model. Bart Simpson is the epitome of the nineties child. He is misbehaved, crude to others, disrespectful to authority, and makes the same mistakes over and over again. Lisa Simpson is not quite like Bart, but her ideas are very eccentric as well. Although she is supposed to be extremely educated, she often causes problems for others by means of protest even against her parent’s wishes. She is simply another reflection of the nineties child. Children nowadays tend to form their own radical opinions about matters and do not usually take into consideration what their parents feel about it. The legalization of drugs and especially marijuana can is a perfect example of this. Parents realize the dangers of drugs, but children believe them to be perfectly safe or are ignorant to their dangers. Because of this, we have the “rebel child” that goes out and does exactly what his or her parents would not approve of; in this case doing drugs. As we look at the mother of the family, Marge, we can see yet another perfect reflection of today’s mom. Marge is depicted in a number of episodes as the working mom. She has held down jobs such as a teacher, a policewoman, and even a spokesperson for the community. She is often afraid of where her path may take her, but is not afraid to try. Quite opposite of what we would expect from Mrs. Cleaver who could be seen cooking and cleaning the house at all times. On the flip side, however, this is the way that it was back in the fifties and sixties. That was what moms did. It only makes sense that we would see it would be on television like that. Finally as we look at the father of the family, the infamous Homer Simpson, we can only laugh. As in other postmodernism shows, Homer is known as the “buffoonish father”. Recalling on the Cleaver family, we would expect nothing more from Mr. Cleaver then for him to come home from a hard days work, pay the bills, tell his children goodnight, put himself to bed, and do it all over again. Homer is a little different. In his average thirty minutes, we see Homer skip work, drink himself into a stupor, watch hours of television, and ignore most of the bad things that his children do, not to mention ignoring his wife. This is obviously a harsh way to look at the nineties father, but there is some truth to it. The father of today does not always run the show, and is not always the one on top in the family. In the past the father held the family together, but nowadays we see different and random bonds form between family members. We do not see fathers throwing a ball around with their son as much anymore. Not to mention, slacking off from hard work is more evident now then in the past.
So as we have gotten closer and closer to the twenty-first century, we can see that the postmodernism television shows are changing to fit the lifestyles of Americans. As we have scene in “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” and “The Simpsons”, television follows the time, but it reflects it in some ways and mocks it in others. I can not wait to see how television reflects the twenty-first century, and I especially can not wait to see how it mocks it.
|
|
Newly Created Albums
Recent Blog Posts
Blog Categories
Blog Archives
|
