Top 10 Things to Look for in a Retirement Home for your Grandparents
June 1st, 1999 | Back to Blog Listing
20. The only administered drugs are those found on New York street corners

19. Microwaves installed in every room and strongly encouraged to be used by patients with pacemakers

18. Viagra dispensers conveniently located in the stalls next to the condom machines

17. Residents pick on each other by secretly exchanging oxygen tanks with laughing gas

16. Fountain of Youth bottled water (sold in bodegas as Kranked2O) is sold in vending machines for 10 bucks a pop

15. A young looking Ponce de Leon can be seen wondering the halls to promote sales and/or confuse the residents

14. Bath time is synonymous with "erotic massage therapy"

13. The home is often used by psychology majors studying what it takes to scare someone into a heart attack

12. Residents are free to frolic around in hospital gowns

11. Elders wetting their beds are brought on stage and publicly humiliated the next day

10. Upon arrival, residents are thrown into a dark cell for one week to remind them that their life is now over

9. A tackle football game is held monthly between the larger staff members and residents with improperly working limbs

8. Nurses tell stories about former residents being eaten alive by enormous hideous rats

7. The supervisors 3 hour break always starts with a friendly game of hide and seek; the residents hide

6. Residents are forced to watch the end of Cocoon daily to instill hope

5. Sensitive dog collars are used in conjunction with high voltage underground electric fences to prevent any resident from straying into the dangerous world

4. Supervisors encourage the elders to beat on small helpless children in order to feel better about themselves

3. Wheelchair patients can participate in a Ben-Hur like race every Sunday; whips are optional

2. Residents enjoy craft time by hand carving their own tombstones

1. Signs that normally read "Walk, don't run" are replaced with "Get out of your chair and see what happens you crippled old bastard"