NYU - SNL Script #2
July 6th, 1999 | Back to Blog Listing

Comedy Writing Workshop
D.B. Gilles
"The Tale of a Lonely Preacher"

FADE IN:

BLACK SCREEN:

ANNOUNCER
There’s a man out there that devoted his entire life to God. Even during his youth, he didn’t participate in all of the things that his friends did. He missed the late night drinking parties. He missed smoking anything that could possibly be rolled in paper. And he even missed all of the trips to the “Stay Hard Big Boy” strip club.

He certainly was a devoted man.

Unfortunately this loveable preacher, Father JACK WHACKER, was recently stripped of his robe after performing a sermon on tweaking females nipples with ice cold holy water.

As he was sitting at home a few days later drinking what was left of the communion wine, he realized how miserable his life was. In 47 years, he had never once been with a woman.

INT. JACK WHACKERS APARTMENT – DAY

JACK WHACKER
God, what ever should I do to relieve this burning desire?

GOD
Ussssssse Yourrrrrrrr Handddddddd.

Confused, Jack picks up the remote to his television and turns it on. The news is on.
JACK WHACKER
I don’t understand how the news will help me.

GOD
Beattttttt Ittttttttt.

JACK WHACKER
(somewhat annoyed)
Beat what God?

GOD
God dammit Jack, just turn the damn television to channel 74.

Jack changes the channel. The Spice channel comes on. Jack is stunned at such filth.

JACK WHACKER
But God - - this is.....

Jack sits patiently in his chair. An porno infomercial flickers onto the screen.

GOD
Learnnnnnnnn from itttttttttttttt.

CUT TO:
TELEVISION SCREEN

TV BOB
Have you recently been kicked out of your church for a high level of sexual tension? Well sir, we’ve got just the thing for you.

JACK WHACKER
What can you possible have for me?

TV BOB
Well for beginners, we offer the “do it yourself” lesson. You could probably figure this out your own bedroom, but we’d love to have your dumb ass pay us for a lesson.

CUT TO:
JACK WHACKERS FACE

JACK WHACKER
I don’t understand this show one bit.

CUT TO:
TELEVISION SCREEN

TV BOB
Of course, say you’re at an intermediate level. In such a case I would recommend the “pop it in the ass” kit.

We’ll ship you the finest single hole mechanical bull straight from Texas. No instructions necessary. You just mount up behind it, give it a good kick in the ass, and let it do all of the work for you.

JACK WHACKER
I’ve always wanted to ride a bull.

TV BOB
Finally for our most advanced sex machines out there, we now offer the “Baah Baah Bucking Sheep”. This is for all of you guys out there that really want a ride on the wild edge. Complete with three holes and real sheep’s fur for all of your sexual needs. Order now and we’ll throw in a free “Sheep Sounds” cassette tape.

CUT TO:
JACK WHACKERS FACE

JACK WHACKER
(somewhat excited)
If God brought me to this channel, then gosh darnit, this channel will bring me closer to God. I’m sold. I’ll bet I’ll be rewarded with the fruits of heaven when I order something from TV Bob. I might even get to be a preacher again.

Jack Whacker picks up the phone and dials the number for TV Bob.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN.
EXT. JACK WHACKERS FRONT PORCH – DAY
CAPTION: Three Weeks Later

A large wooden crate is dropped off on the front porch. The delivery man rings the doorbell and walks away.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN.

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN A CEMETARY – DAY
CAPTION: The Next Day

ANNOUNCER
Jack Whacker died earlier this while engaging in sexual intercourse with an inflatable sheep. The doctors have confirmed that 17 different veins popped in the abdominal and penile area while Jack was coming to a climax with the sheep. An explosion equivalent to a half stick of dynamite was reported to have killed the helpless inflatable doll. There are rumors that 3 rubber chickens were also injured in the explosion.

Although it might sound like a good idea to let yourself tense up for 47 years, please learn from the late Jack Whacker and masturbate once and awhile if not daily. And for god sakes, be gentle on the sheep.

FADE OUT

END
7.6.1999